onward

So, it's been awhile.

It's been awhile because I've been going through a lot. A summary:

Running: Obviously, the last couple of posts have shown an extreme amount of frustration. But, the bloodbath is over, and I'm weaning myself, after 5.5 weeks (because that's all I could last, instead of 8 weeks) back into running. I'm doing about 4 miles on average every three days, except I ran tonight and ran last night, and I'M SO SORE! It's sad. Well, it's sad in the amazing point of view: in February I did a 26 mile run and was happy, felt good, and was over it within 12 hours. Now, a mere 5 weeks later, I'm doing 4 mile runs and am talking myself into walking down stairs. The body is simply a complete conundrum.

Work: I have resigned from my current job and accepted a new position at a very awesome arch/land arch/interior/graphic/product office extrodinaire. My first task, after learning the culture, history, and contact database, is to fill in for someone who has been there for 12 years while she is on maternity leave. Then I get to write a marketing plan. Challenge? Yes. Opportunity? HELL yes. Murky areas? Yes. Growth opportunity? Yes. Networking? Going to explode. Scared? OMG yes.

Boys: W & I keep seeing each other. There is no explanation for this other than the chemistry still exists, even after all the turmoil. I kick myself and at the same time feel like I love him. It's something I don't fully understand.

Savings: improving. All the time. I am so fortunate.

Gardening: Well, I did not get into the gardening program I wanted to be in, but have taken a few gardening classes in the meantime, and my little strip of garden is doing rather well. It's been remarkable seeing the annual plants come back, and event plants that shouldn't be annuals come back. Seed propagation has resulted in cosmos, marigolds, basil, dill, parsley, strawberries, and I think even some cauliflower to flourish. We have this purple cauliflower that is so beautiful and gorgeous it's hard to pick in the garden right now. I took some pictures; I'll try to post those sometime soon. I should add a bunch of stuff to my flickr account.

Hmm, what else.

I'm happier. That's good. And I've always lived by the motto that I need to be happy, no matter what. So it seems I'm on track.

I'll try to be more frequent. I think I'm coming out of a funk.

destruction

I will not be running the marathon this year. Shoot me now. I'm going nuts. Literally, my mind is not together. You know what would help me? Going for a run. You want to know what I can't do? Go running.

You know what else would help me? Going home and smashing every single plate, bowl, glass, or breakable material against my concrete floors. That's the kind of frustration I feel right now. I think that with each smash, I would feel as if I was releasing some of the rage, the pure rage, I feel inside.

I am craving endorphins. I am craving sweat. I am craving rhythm. I am craving having my hair back in a ponytail. I am craving the evening breeze. I am craving the first few and last few steps. I am craving the look people give me when they recognize that I am a runner. That I am someone who is able to run for hours.

Six to eight weeks is the time. I am going to go bat-shit crazy, so help me god.

And, you want to know what the biggest irony of all is? The greatest rub, the greatest "I told you so", the greatest revenge of all time? I did this to myself. No one else and nothing else did this to me. It was just me. I'm the cause of this.

I have either a stress fracture or a pulled ligament or tendon in my left foot. It's swimming, biking, and the gym for me. No running.

pain

Head: throb, throb, throb, throb, throb. Why must you throb so much, left temple? With every heartbeat, you throb!

Nose: Stuff, itch, stuff, itch, tender. Happened so fast! I thought you were allergies.

Eyes: Dry, itchy, scratch, puffy. Must get the new contacts picked up, but I don't have time!

Heart: I think that the third time may be the charm to break the heart. :(

Foot: Nerve damage? Muscle spasms? After 2.5 miles on Tuesday I had to stop running and walk home 3 miles in the cold. I fear for the 13 miles run this Saturday. Should I skip it? I've never skipped a run!

Brain: with so much pain, my brain is having a hard time coping.

Synopsis: It could be worse. I need to remember the lucky things.

chart

reminder

When you don't feel like going to the gym or for a run or playing a game, just watch this once. That's all you'll need.

adoration

Okay, so lately I've been enjoying LOL Cats alarmingly much. I look at these pictures and crack up, or just melt into my chair from love. The video below gets me every time, I watched it three times in a row today!!!

I may just become a crazy cat lady some day, after all.

Oh, and 20 mile run in the morning. Yikes!

headcase

I am seriously having some problems. I am constantly annoyed at something, ready to pissed off at someone or something, or feeling listless and uncommunicative or unsure about myself. I feel as if there is one thing out there that is going to make me pop. I have no idea what that is though, and I'm getting a little worried. What will happen when I pop? Why can't I find anything to diffuse this?

Spoke with the sister last night and her theory is that the Pill is still bothering my system. She said it drove her into depression, and she felt the same way I'm describing things.

Ugh. I don't want to not be on the pill though. It's such a safety net, and I feel much more secure about the issue of possible pregnancy when I know I am doing my part. I just don't trust anything else as much as the pill. Further more, my skin has just finally calmed itself down. Going off probably wouldn't do much, but GOD FORBID I ever get back on again.

I've shared these feelings with the GYN and they say nothing or can give no support. How is that possible!?!?!? They are the nincompoops prescribing me this medication, you'd think they would know the side effects inside and out. They can offer no support, no solutions, no anything. Altho I suppose one solution is celebicy. BUT FUCK! I don't want to live a celibate life.

I guess another is to tie the tubes, but I do want kids at some point.

Maybe I am just getting antsy about the world and state of my life. There is no change. Things seem monotonous. I interpret this as such a shame...because I'm not married, I don't have kids, I'm essentially responsible for no one else but myself...you'd think I'd be having a great time.

But then I keep thinking that there has to be something more to life than what I have. And when I have that thought, my mind inexplicably turns towards marriage. Having children. Having a home that is mine and is not rented.

And then the frustration builds even more. I get annoyed. I'm annoyed that I'm getting annoyed. Running is helpful for the thinking, because the more I think the more I am annoyed and the harder I run...but running won't solve things.

die

My office has been infiltrated by roaches, flies, crickets, spiders, and now termites. Why won't our office manager do anything about this, like ask the landlord to provide extermination services? She feels bad for the bugs. FUCKING BUGS. DIE BUGS DIE.

This morning on my run (guilt-free morning) I was side-swiped by a car. He only missed me b/c I had an adreneline rush and sprinted past him. He still managed to clip my right leg though with the passenger side front corner of his car. Here's what happened. I'm on my way back, so it's light already. Am wearing light gray pants and white top. I get ready to cross an intersection that has four way stops. As I enter, I see the car pulling up, and Dude is looking in my direction, so I assume he's going to stop for a) the stop sign and b) for me. Instead, he doesnt. After he clips me and hears the string of VERY loud swear words emanate from my mouth he goes "I didn't see you" and I notice he is covered in his coffee, and a middle-aged salesman type looking guy who may be having a heart attack. On the one hand, I was way pissed, because, you know, he almost hit me. On the other, I immediately felt sorry for him because he was just so oblivious in the morning. Is every morning like that for him? I'd hate to be oblivious every morning. Sigh.

Also, the peaches I bought at the market molded, all four of them, last night. That was a sad loss. Fucking mold.

Work has been atrociously boring this week.

...and so life goes on.

guilt

Why must I feel so guilty when I decide to skip a workout? I decided that if I have plans in the evening, I would work out in the morning in order to minimize the guilt. But, this morning I woke up at 5:30, just woke up and I'm lying there in bed thinking "ugh, i don't want to go running" so I re-set the alarm and then wake up at 7:00 and feel horrible and guilty. Those are not nice feelings to have about yourself in the morning. I took a glum shower, and then felt even more guilty. It caused a bad hair day. UGH!

I'll run tomorrow morning, and then Thursday morning, and go swimming Friday evening, so that still evens me out for the week but I gotta figure out how to get over myself. It's ridiculous.

charm

Well, the third time must have been the charm, because that was my third post in a row about eating and food. Now do you realize why I run? hahaha.

eat

I think one of the reasons I run so much is that I eat so much. I'm not kidding. I love food. I live to eat.

Was talking with W the other night and he's like "yeah, I barely eat at all." I raise my eyebrows. What? How can that be, I wonder. I push further - "you don't eat?" "Not really, like today all I had was this sandwich, right now, and those wings and some of that salad earlier." And the beer we drank, of course. Maybe he just lives off beer calories?

I, on the other hand, would rather live off cheese calories. Ice cream calories. Sushi calories. MUFFIN calories, mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Muffins.

Today, I met all of those objectives. Well, I've not met the cheese calorie objective yet, but that will be done soon. Muffin in the morning. Sushi and wine for lunch (yes, I went wild and ordered a wonderful glass of Mondavi Flume Blanc to go with my sushi, yum!), and I just finished a (small, at least) bowl of ice cream. Plenty of water in between. But, I mean - think about this. Muffin. Coffee. Wine. Sushi - and miso, edamame, salad, salmon. Ice Cream. Soon to be cheese.

Not a light day, to say the least.

Which is part of the reason why I'll run 6+ miles and go swimming for an hour each day. Well, running or swimming. This is why training for the marathon saves me. It's cause I eat so damn much.

It's been a good Friday so far. And...holiday weekend, woooooooo!

beserk

Every once in a while I feel like I'm going to go Thelma & Louise type of crazy. Like, off the deep end in a way that is not typically accepted in society. As if going off the deep end was accepted.

Well anyway, I feel this way right now. I am frustrated with someone and the situation we are in. Or at least the situation I perceive us to be in. But I also feel as if I am continually satisfying this frustration. Feeding it. Keeping it going.

Why am I doing this?

I mean, if I'm frustrated with it, I should just let it go. Go with the fucking flow. Live life. Have babies and age into my octogenarian years so I can drink spiked lemonade all the time.

So why do I keep feeding the fire? I'm not normally like this which makes things EVEN MORE annoying, which in turn makes me feel like I'm going to Thelma & Louise myself somehow.

I've been trying to get out of the frustrating situation. Running. Swimming. Working. Signing up for a class at Otis and buying supplies to teach myself embroidery and getting my shit together to get a portfolio worked out, and going to the beach and the veggie garden and random trips back home and even more running. These things are supposed to take up time. But why do I keep finding myself with time to be frustrated. I'm running out of ideas of things to do to keep myself occupied.

three

I officially started my third year of L.A. Leggers last Saturday. Had a whole 2 mile run with the group. It was short, but man, did it feel good. I felt energized. Rejuivinated.

I spent all last week not running at all. Just swimming. I've been having a pain, twinge, and twitch in my right leg. The area just below my knee (not on my knee, but below my knee, on the upper shin area to the left). Hmm. It had me worried so I took last week off, hence all of the swimming.

But this just made me realize that I need to keep swimming as a complement to the running. I'll go tonight. I had a good run last night - the pain was there for the first third of the run and then went away. I'll go swimming tonight to rest it, and then run tomorrow.

So, I'll be back in the run of things officially. For some reason, being part of leggers again re-validates all of the running I do mid-week. I'll also hopefully loose that 5 pounds I gain in the four months I have off from the club. :)

But...my Friday nights will once again start to be compromised. Oh well.

out

Today (sunday) I couldn't bear being inside. I was outside from the time I got up until it got dark and had to go in. A 75 minute run. Drive to Melrose with all the windows down. Walk along Melrose. Drive home with windows open. Bike to park. Read dwell and book. bike back. Bike to store for muffin ingredients. Bike back. Garden. Dark.

And then I made bran muffins and M made zucchini bread with our first (and perhaps only) zuchinni. The zucchini and yellow squash caught a bad case of The Powerdy Mildew. it's sad. I have pictures on my camera. The powdery mildew is the death of squashes. Poor squashes. But this zucchini bread is damn good. So, I will pull out the dead-ish plants and plant new ones. And more peppers. We have two peppers ready to come in soon. YUM.

Anyway. It will be a hard monday, I think, because I'll be inside. But at least I'll have bran muffins for breakfast.

sand

This evening I had a lovely walk on the beach with M the roomie and two of her friends. It was nice - altho not as long as I would have liked it to be. I think I should go out to Santa Monica for a run through Venice like I used to do - that would be nice and it's light enough to do that. Speaking of that, I need to do the same thing in Downtown. Re-visit my old running routes through that area. While running in CC is nice (very nice becaus the air is fresher) I wouldn't mind changing things up a bit.

Anyway, the walk was still very nice because I couldn't go running today - yesterday I really pushed myself, ran faster than I usually do, and as a result I tweaked the sensitive ass-muscle I have. And, my foot arches and toes have been feeling some pain too. Sigh. Why oh why. And the pool here in CC is closed so that means no swimming until next week - BAH. So running and walking. Unless I get the gumption to drive myself down to my gym. Which I am still a member of, which I havn't been to in a good two months. I hate paying for something that I'm not using. Ick.

It's just hard to drag myself into my car after work and face traffic.

texas

woo i am in texas. well, i will only be here thru tomorrow and then back to l.a. man i miss home. miss the cat. miss running. miss swimming. miss my tomatos. my concrete floor. my blue bike. running. running running running. man, the last three weeks i think i have only been out three times. a travesty. i feel like i've gained 10 pounds. ick. i fee ick. like icky ick. and moody. damn, so moody. it's the not running and sweating and having my muscles be all warm and tingly for an hour.

anyway, texas is nice. have only explored central city - but at least i've explored it thouroughly. many pics. i will get the flickr updated soon, i should get the professional account up on that so i can add many more pics.

the riverwalk is nice, but totally touristy. i thought it may have a more local flavor to it but alas. it doesn't. but, when one strays from the river walk and goes amongst the local areas where there are no tourist, it is nice. the people who live here are super nice as well. i have been in so many conversations with random strangrs I can't count them anymore.

also, my presentation went smashingly well.

calendar

Wow! I have so much going on - I simutaneously love it and hate it.

Work - will calm down a bit after tomorrow night when we have our opening. I am happy that things are going well with it and we are getting a lot of positive feedback. I'll be in Texas next week speaking a the A I A conference - put some finishing touches (with more to come in the next couple of days) on that presentation last night. Another rehearsal and we'll have it down pat - am presenting with two colleagues.

Running - going well! I'll be taking a weeklong break from it starting today, unless I can get my ass up tomorrow morning to go for a run. Which I am going to try very hard to do.

Swimming - won't get back to the pool until the second week of May. I hate that - but I just can't get over there during their public lap swim hours. Sigh.

Furniture - M & I got a sweet new couch! It has inspired me to start the re-upholstering process on my currnet little 2-piece couch. Actually spend some money on that. I've enlisted the superious interior design skills of E to help me choose some classy fabric for it. I am very excited about getting it finally done nice!

Veggie - man, our veggies our just running amok. I am so happy about this! I have some more pics to post on the ol' flickr page. So check there for that.

Hmmm - OH YEAH COACHELLA! I leave for coachella tomorrow night! I will definitely report on that.

flip

Now that I am back in the pool, my body is slowly starting to remember what it feels like to swim. The motions to make, where my forehead is supposed to be, how it feels to keep my bum up and slightly out of the water in order to align my balance properly. How it feels to warm up after a couple of laps, get through a gruesome kick and pull session, and then slide back into a freestyle for a couple more 200's. Not only choosing to do, but knowing to do, a 500 lenght and loving every minute of it.

Ahhhhh. I love when you start to feel the the blood pumping through your arms with each stroke, the slight tingle in your lungs eith each inhalation, even the pressure on my nose from the goggles.

Swimming is so different from running. I think it will take some more time for me to understand how they complement each other. I mean, besides from the obvious (running: lot's of pounding on joints and muscles, swimming: no pounding, all is fluid). I mean in terms of mental aspects. Will I feel confident that kicking is helping my leg muscles? Why do I feel like, despite ALL the leg muscles I have, that my kicking is still so spotty in the water? You'd think that my kicks would be so powerful.

Hmm. It's funny how despite no real dedication to arm workouts, my arms feel stronger then ever in the pool, and my legs feel totally week.

I think that, if I'm going to be a form junkie, I'm going to need to start doing flip turns again. Ugh. I hate those suckers. But...swimmers need to do them.

Okay, next time I'm in the pool (probably Saturday; Friday will be a run since I've got a business thing tonight) I'm going to try the ol' flipturns again. Yikes. Scary!

busy?

I feel like I've been both incredibly busy but not. Did some wonderful shopping at H&M this last weekend. Won a lottery to participate in the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco in October - woooo! A race to run for again. Planted a veggie garden.

OH! The veggie garden. I am so happy. I will try to post pics soon - I have taken several - so that should be good. I should also get them on flikr.

Hmmm - boys - eh. Dating no one, but still connected with C.

So...yay for plants and running? What else does a girl need, anyway?

sigh.

recovery

ahhhh, the marathon. how come it feels like it happened over a month ago but it was really just three days ago? three days ago at this time i was winding my way through hollywood, feeling great. wow. now my only real reminder is my bib sitting on my desk, the medal, and my sore quadriceps.

the race - the race was overall very good. my time was 4:51. that's 43 minutes faster than last year! i am really proud of that. altho i have to admit that i am unsure i will ever have that dramatic of a time decrease ever again. oh well, at least i can enjoy it now!

things were great up till around mile 18. up till then i was doing my 8:1 splits just fine, and was doing them at a very good pace - probably on pace to get in between 4:15 - 4:20. it was a very warm day though, and once in downtown proper the heat started getting to me. up till that point i made sure to drink a few glasses of water and gatorade, dump a few waters on my head, and run through every fire hydrant shower that L.A. City firemen let loose (ahhh, that was wonderful).

mile 19-21 had me taking more walk breaks - for 30 seconds at a time. then i got to mile 21, thinking "5 miles left! 5 miles left!" and that's when i realized i was not sweating anymore. uh-oh. my muscles starting fatiguing really quickly - and I was went to perhaps a 3:1 interval. at mile 23, with three miles to go, it was 4:20. in order to meet my sub-5 goal i had to run three miles in 40 minutes. this sounded easy enough - but then it got even warmer, and my quads tightened up even more.

by this point, people were dropping like flies. it wasn't pretty. people who when you might see them on the street make you think "DAMN that guy is in perfect athletic shape". there they were - shaking, pale, trying to throw up. i felt so sad for them - really, only 2 miles left. i really hope they were able to get things together and make it to the end.

anyway, from mile 24 onward, it was stop and go. it was really hard, folks. really hard. i felt like i was tearing my muscle from the bones. i had so much lactic acid built up, my muscles were literally bulging, and i really needed some salt. electrolytes just were not doing it for me.

but, i did manage to rally for the last .4 miles or so, and i finished with a 4:51.

so, i'm happy.

yay! onto the next race!

relaxed

This past weekend was good. Started out with a great run - 7 miles. Felt great; I'm totally ready for this 26.2 mile run I paid $100 to do this Sunday! :) I'll have friends waiting for me towards the end which will give me something to run for. Really, I don't know what I would do if they weren't going to be there; it would be tough.

M is back in the apt. from her trip to Australia - she brought back the best soaps ever. SO fragrant! My shower was heavenly last night. It's good to have someone back. At this point I am enjoying to roomate situation. It will put me back into "good habit" mode. I have to say that last week I was not the best eater; I consumed a shitload of sugar. I can feel that I did too - I think I probably added a pound or two to my body. Yikes! This week will really count in what I eat too - lots of protein the first few days then carbs. Fruits and veggies in between. Wish me luck.

Saw the Skin + Bones exhibit at MOCA this past Saturday with R. Not sure he was that into it, and he told me as we were leaving he wasn't a big modern art fan. Oops. After that there was coffee, dinner, and then we went to see a show at the Jazz Bakery. Here, we switched roles a bit. He's a big fan of jazz while I don't know much about it and am not sure I have the right...ear for it. However, I did enjoy myself, especially the percussion. I just love the drums! Drums drums drums. boom boom boom. Perhaps with more listening (I am just down the street from the Jazz Bakery) I will start to pick up nuances about the genre that make it great.

honesty

now, that's some honesty down there. ;)

feeling much more sane this morning, and I am enjoying my rice krispy treat for breakfast. yum.

today is raining. am going to try to run tonight...could be fun!

mememememe

I...

want sex. now. hours of it.
just made butterscotch rice krispy treats, and ate a square that was too big.
cleaned and watered four plants tonight.
can cut a pineapple up in NO TIME AT ALL!
have not been drinking enough water lately.
need sex.
was invited to a boggle tournament.
have never played boggle.
sex. now.
need to dye my hair.
would like to buy new running shoes.
need to put away some toilet paper i bought four days ago
bought myself flowers tonight.
NEED WANT NOW SEX SEX SEX
have four boxes left to unpack.
want to travel someplace with a lover.
want a lover.
want sex.
travel, lover, sex.



:(

ahhhhhh!

what a weekend this was. altho i was all by myself for most of the time i managed to enjoy my own company the entire two days.

let's see...the 10 mile run was awesome - did it at around 9 min/mile pace and for the last three miles did sprints...man, i havn't had that kind of adrenaline rush in a long time. the weather on satuday was nice too. the only damper on the weekend was that i had to be at my apartment from 11am - 3:30pm while a guy was there refinishing our sinks and countertops. but i can't really complain about that because...new sinks and counters! a very nice thing to have done. plus, i spent time on the couch with all the windown and doors open, enjoying a pleasant breeze, and reading. went to a masquerade party that night; the people who lived there, while having a very mid-90's taste in decor, had a life-sized plastic horse that Ch and I enjoyed having our way with.

on sunday, i headed out to the beach, and spent four glorious hours reading. the weater wasn't what you would call perfect - breezy, but it was warm enough to be in the bikini most of the time. and i got even more reading done. i left when a noisy group decided to plop themselves feet from where i was sitting (even though the rest of the beach was basically empty) and took myself out for coffee. yum. and more reading!

finished the day off with a run, a long shower, a load of laundry, and watched The Godfather for the first time...Good movie! Now I know why everyone likes it. Have the second godfather movie waiting to be watched, and the third one will be mailed out to me tomorrow.

hmmm, it's rainy today, which makes my time at the beach yesterday that much better.

ten

ten miles this morning. nice, hot, sweaty, fast run. 9:30 pace woo hoo with sprints at the end. i did poop out on the last 1/2 mile, but i still pounded up the pier ramp. it is so fucking nice out today. i wish i could go get a coffee and read, but i have to wait here while people re-finish my counters. well, at least i get new counters.

C brought me tulips as a housewarming gift. seven little bulbs in a glass jar. he keeps buying me little gifts. hmmm. while incredibly sweet, i can't help but wonder what the intentions are. he's probably just falling into his typical pattern. alert alert, watch out A: you have a better option in front of you.

am feeling like i want to bake something today, but am also feeling that i should avoid baked goods and stick with veggies and protein. these last 3 weeks will have to be my eating transition period.

registered

I finally registered my ass for the marathon. took me long enough to do it. i am looking forward to finding out my number; i liked mine last year (12050, i think, off the top of my head). C got something like 15151...that's fun.

now i just to register for the wild miles run.

hmm, what is this thing called "labels". i shall type some things in and we'll find out.