pain

Head: throb, throb, throb, throb, throb. Why must you throb so much, left temple? With every heartbeat, you throb!

Nose: Stuff, itch, stuff, itch, tender. Happened so fast! I thought you were allergies.

Eyes: Dry, itchy, scratch, puffy. Must get the new contacts picked up, but I don't have time!

Heart: I think that the third time may be the charm to break the heart. :(

Foot: Nerve damage? Muscle spasms? After 2.5 miles on Tuesday I had to stop running and walk home 3 miles in the cold. I fear for the 13 miles run this Saturday. Should I skip it? I've never skipped a run!

Brain: with so much pain, my brain is having a hard time coping.

Synopsis: It could be worse. I need to remember the lucky things.

love

jingle

Well, despite everything, life moves along.

The cold has cleared up, thanks in large part the copious amounts of Zicam gel I swabbed into my nose 4 or 5 times each day and the comfort food I ate (barley soup, mac'n'cheese, ice cream).

I'm finding that I am totally accepting of the W's & my break-up. It just makes total sense. That doesn't mean I don't miss him tho. Last night I was driving home from my first holiday party of the season and a little doodle he had made on one of car windows in the steam showed up. I found myself smiling and laughing to myself. I picked up the phone can called him; left a message. He never called back tho, which is sort of infuriating. My message was simple "Hi. Was just thinking about you. Hope you are well and are having a good week. I'm okay, let's talk and be friends" and so on.

This morning I was checking through some other blogs I read and this was a recent post on "Greek Tradgedy" She's an awesome lady who's blog I've been following for maybe 2-3 years now. Anway...the entire post obviously speaks to me right now.

I particularly enjoyed "Deck them along with your halls". While I do not want to "deck" him one, I will certainly try to "deck" the associated feelings and gear up for my own holiday (the fifth one in as many years!!!) this Saturday.

I do hope he calls back though. I want him to know that I still want him around and to occasionally maybe grab a drink or something. I still have that odd feeling of wanting to make sure he goes after the one he loves, but I sort of want to support him in that process.

All of that said (and this counters with EVERYTHING I talk about in this post) part of me does want to fight him to let him know that he should keep me. That's kind of an awkward way to say it, but it's true.

Ah well. Jingling on. Party this weekend. Have a lot of work to do to get everything ready. I will try to focus only on that and finishing up my shopping.

validation

Some further thinking - Perhaps the reason why I want to keep tabs on whether W. is getting things figured out with C. is because if they do, then there is a concrete reason why we broke up and he wasn't just using it as an excuse because he wanted to not date me anymore.

:-(

This is such a depressing post.

love

Well, I am now a single girl, once again. BLEH.

Last Friday night, I was out with W - went to a dinner and then over to a small party for a friend of his. All very nice, lovely, flirty, wonderful, etc. We get back to the car, and head over to his place. As we go over, we start talking...we end up just sitting in my car for the next hour going over all kinds of things.

It started with me sharing with him all my uncertanties about our relationship (perhaps the perfect recipi for disaster). That, after almost seven months of being together we needed to decide which direction we were going in...together or not together.

Turns out, W has been in love with another girl for the last three years. Yup. When he told me, I was both shattered and relieved.

Shattered because - well, fuck, he's in love with someone else! The fact that I've started falling in love with him is pale in comparison with the fact that he loves another girl! It obviously is an immediate answer to the wondering about where we are headed, an instant break-up, and just utter sadness.

Relieved because it explains all his actions, my questions are immediately answered, I don't have to worry about them anymore, and I'm free.

The biggest rub is that we both agree we are perfect for each other. Professionally, sexually, friend-wise...we just *GET* each other. He says "You are the most healthy and wonderful relationship I've ever been in. It's perfect. There is nothing wrong with it." To which I respond "Yeah, except you love someone else."

The smaller rub is that he has told her that he loves her, and he says she is very much against ever having anything more than a friend-based relationship with him. For the last three years, she has resisted him. She has told him, over and over, that she doesn't love him. But he can't stop loving her. What a mess!

So, most of Saturday I was pretty sad, glum and so what, but all that was balanced with this "well, what can I do about it" feeling. He loves someone else. I can't continue pushing myself to him - that sucks for both of us. Especially me.

I can't quite decide how I will proceed with him. Now that it is Monday, I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I would be. But I still am feeling ick about the whole situation.

I both really want to talk with him, and not talk or see him for a long time. I want to know what he is going to do with the love he feels for this girl. Now that he ended things with us, I want him to pursue this. Like, now that she knows him and I have ended things, is that a sign to her of his committment to him, and the trot merrily off into the distance while holding hands? What happens if it makes no difference and W falls out of love with her and comes back? What if he falls out of love with her and he never comes back to me?

The whole thing is just utterly depressing, but I feel like I can't be upset about it, which makes it depressing and maddening.

transitioning

It seems, suddenly, that I am in the process of transitioning someone out of my life. It has come up in a manner that I never expected or planned for. It feels spontaneous, uncontrollable, surprising, saddening, humiliating. In other words, I never would have guessed this would have ever happened. It literally came up into my periphery THAT FAST.

It's fucking annoying and aggravating. I feel so helpless.

I suppose, in the bigger picture, this *will* be a good thing. I also suppose that I have always hoped that something like this may have never had had to take place.