pain

Head: throb, throb, throb, throb, throb. Why must you throb so much, left temple? With every heartbeat, you throb!

Nose: Stuff, itch, stuff, itch, tender. Happened so fast! I thought you were allergies.

Eyes: Dry, itchy, scratch, puffy. Must get the new contacts picked up, but I don't have time!

Heart: I think that the third time may be the charm to break the heart. :(

Foot: Nerve damage? Muscle spasms? After 2.5 miles on Tuesday I had to stop running and walk home 3 miles in the cold. I fear for the 13 miles run this Saturday. Should I skip it? I've never skipped a run!

Brain: with so much pain, my brain is having a hard time coping.

Synopsis: It could be worse. I need to remember the lucky things.

headcase

I am seriously having some problems. I am constantly annoyed at something, ready to pissed off at someone or something, or feeling listless and uncommunicative or unsure about myself. I feel as if there is one thing out there that is going to make me pop. I have no idea what that is though, and I'm getting a little worried. What will happen when I pop? Why can't I find anything to diffuse this?

Spoke with the sister last night and her theory is that the Pill is still bothering my system. She said it drove her into depression, and she felt the same way I'm describing things.

Ugh. I don't want to not be on the pill though. It's such a safety net, and I feel much more secure about the issue of possible pregnancy when I know I am doing my part. I just don't trust anything else as much as the pill. Further more, my skin has just finally calmed itself down. Going off probably wouldn't do much, but GOD FORBID I ever get back on again.

I've shared these feelings with the GYN and they say nothing or can give no support. How is that possible!?!?!? They are the nincompoops prescribing me this medication, you'd think they would know the side effects inside and out. They can offer no support, no solutions, no anything. Altho I suppose one solution is celebicy. BUT FUCK! I don't want to live a celibate life.

I guess another is to tie the tubes, but I do want kids at some point.

Maybe I am just getting antsy about the world and state of my life. There is no change. Things seem monotonous. I interpret this as such a shame...because I'm not married, I don't have kids, I'm essentially responsible for no one else but myself...you'd think I'd be having a great time.

But then I keep thinking that there has to be something more to life than what I have. And when I have that thought, my mind inexplicably turns towards marriage. Having children. Having a home that is mine and is not rented.

And then the frustration builds even more. I get annoyed. I'm annoyed that I'm getting annoyed. Running is helpful for the thinking, because the more I think the more I am annoyed and the harder I run...but running won't solve things.

die

My office has been infiltrated by roaches, flies, crickets, spiders, and now termites. Why won't our office manager do anything about this, like ask the landlord to provide extermination services? She feels bad for the bugs. FUCKING BUGS. DIE BUGS DIE.

This morning on my run (guilt-free morning) I was side-swiped by a car. He only missed me b/c I had an adreneline rush and sprinted past him. He still managed to clip my right leg though with the passenger side front corner of his car. Here's what happened. I'm on my way back, so it's light already. Am wearing light gray pants and white top. I get ready to cross an intersection that has four way stops. As I enter, I see the car pulling up, and Dude is looking in my direction, so I assume he's going to stop for a) the stop sign and b) for me. Instead, he doesnt. After he clips me and hears the string of VERY loud swear words emanate from my mouth he goes "I didn't see you" and I notice he is covered in his coffee, and a middle-aged salesman type looking guy who may be having a heart attack. On the one hand, I was way pissed, because, you know, he almost hit me. On the other, I immediately felt sorry for him because he was just so oblivious in the morning. Is every morning like that for him? I'd hate to be oblivious every morning. Sigh.

Also, the peaches I bought at the market molded, all four of them, last night. That was a sad loss. Fucking mold.

Work has been atrociously boring this week.

...and so life goes on.

beserk

Every once in a while I feel like I'm going to go Thelma & Louise type of crazy. Like, off the deep end in a way that is not typically accepted in society. As if going off the deep end was accepted.

Well anyway, I feel this way right now. I am frustrated with someone and the situation we are in. Or at least the situation I perceive us to be in. But I also feel as if I am continually satisfying this frustration. Feeding it. Keeping it going.

Why am I doing this?

I mean, if I'm frustrated with it, I should just let it go. Go with the fucking flow. Live life. Have babies and age into my octogenarian years so I can drink spiked lemonade all the time.

So why do I keep feeding the fire? I'm not normally like this which makes things EVEN MORE annoying, which in turn makes me feel like I'm going to Thelma & Louise myself somehow.

I've been trying to get out of the frustrating situation. Running. Swimming. Working. Signing up for a class at Otis and buying supplies to teach myself embroidery and getting my shit together to get a portfolio worked out, and going to the beach and the veggie garden and random trips back home and even more running. These things are supposed to take up time. But why do I keep finding myself with time to be frustrated. I'm running out of ideas of things to do to keep myself occupied.

card

Update on the card: I put it in the office's mailbox thinking that the postlady would come get the mail around 4:30 like she DOES EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY, but TODAY, of all FUCKING DAYS, she came around NOON. NOON!!!!!!!!

Now, the card is stuck in the mailbox. I don't have a key to get it out. The card will mail on Monday, after Father's day.


UTTER FAILURE.