destruction

I will not be running the marathon this year. Shoot me now. I'm going nuts. Literally, my mind is not together. You know what would help me? Going for a run. You want to know what I can't do? Go running.

You know what else would help me? Going home and smashing every single plate, bowl, glass, or breakable material against my concrete floors. That's the kind of frustration I feel right now. I think that with each smash, I would feel as if I was releasing some of the rage, the pure rage, I feel inside.

I am craving endorphins. I am craving sweat. I am craving rhythm. I am craving having my hair back in a ponytail. I am craving the evening breeze. I am craving the first few and last few steps. I am craving the look people give me when they recognize that I am a runner. That I am someone who is able to run for hours.

Six to eight weeks is the time. I am going to go bat-shit crazy, so help me god.

And, you want to know what the biggest irony of all is? The greatest rub, the greatest "I told you so", the greatest revenge of all time? I did this to myself. No one else and nothing else did this to me. It was just me. I'm the cause of this.

I have either a stress fracture or a pulled ligament or tendon in my left foot. It's swimming, biking, and the gym for me. No running.

nonsense

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yeah.

bye

I think I'm going to go into hibernation for the rest of the year. I just can't keep myself happy these days. Little fun blips come along (Saturday night was fun with some party hopping) but I'm finding it hard to maintain those positive moments. I feel like I'm turning into a pessimist. It's harder and harder to find the good things that happen everyday. It's a struggle to be nice and talk to people at work. This shouldn't be the way things are.

adoration

Okay, so lately I've been enjoying LOL Cats alarmingly much. I look at these pictures and crack up, or just melt into my chair from love. The video below gets me every time, I watched it three times in a row today!!!

I may just become a crazy cat lady some day, after all.

Oh, and 20 mile run in the morning. Yikes!

beserk

Every once in a while I feel like I'm going to go Thelma & Louise type of crazy. Like, off the deep end in a way that is not typically accepted in society. As if going off the deep end was accepted.

Well anyway, I feel this way right now. I am frustrated with someone and the situation we are in. Or at least the situation I perceive us to be in. But I also feel as if I am continually satisfying this frustration. Feeding it. Keeping it going.

Why am I doing this?

I mean, if I'm frustrated with it, I should just let it go. Go with the fucking flow. Live life. Have babies and age into my octogenarian years so I can drink spiked lemonade all the time.

So why do I keep feeding the fire? I'm not normally like this which makes things EVEN MORE annoying, which in turn makes me feel like I'm going to Thelma & Louise myself somehow.

I've been trying to get out of the frustrating situation. Running. Swimming. Working. Signing up for a class at Otis and buying supplies to teach myself embroidery and getting my shit together to get a portfolio worked out, and going to the beach and the veggie garden and random trips back home and even more running. These things are supposed to take up time. But why do I keep finding myself with time to be frustrated. I'm running out of ideas of things to do to keep myself occupied.

haiku

This is a haiku that C wrote about me. I love it. It's so true. Remember it forever!


Amanda is cute
But don't ever call her cute
She will fuck you up!

discombobulated

I. Can't. Concentrate. It's. Getting. Ridiculous.

I mean, what the fuck is going on with my brain? I literally can't stick to one thing for more than three minutes. I'm not getting any work done (granted, I made a list and there's almost nothing on it for me to do...but then again, maybe i'm just ignoring something really important?). Ugh. I hate days like this. Actually, this day seems to just be a continuation of last week. Last week had no focus, no real meaning. Today, at least after 7:20 am when I left W's place, also has no focus or meaning. All I've done is write hackneyed sentences for a project description, gone through the email, did my time sheet for last week (a total sham, by the way) and wrote that short list of things to do. And I've been here for 3 hours now.

Perhaps I *can* attribute some of this behavior to the fact that I've been thinking a lot about whether or not I want to change jobs. But then into what? Stay in this industry? Move to another? Go back to school? Ask for more vacation so I can take crazy days? Move to the east coast? Become a beach bum?