love
Well, I am now a single girl, once again. BLEH.
Last Friday night, I was out with W - went to a dinner and then over to a small party for a friend of his. All very nice, lovely, flirty, wonderful, etc. We get back to the car, and head over to his place. As we go over, we start talking...we end up just sitting in my car for the next hour going over all kinds of things.
It started with me sharing with him all my uncertanties about our relationship (perhaps the perfect recipi for disaster). That, after almost seven months of being together we needed to decide which direction we were going in...together or not together.
Turns out, W has been in love with another girl for the last three years. Yup. When he told me, I was both shattered and relieved.
Shattered because - well, fuck, he's in love with someone else! The fact that I've started falling in love with him is pale in comparison with the fact that he loves another girl! It obviously is an immediate answer to the wondering about where we are headed, an instant break-up, and just utter sadness.
Relieved because it explains all his actions, my questions are immediately answered, I don't have to worry about them anymore, and I'm free.
The biggest rub is that we both agree we are perfect for each other. Professionally, sexually, friend-wise...we just *GET* each other. He says "You are the most healthy and wonderful relationship I've ever been in. It's perfect. There is nothing wrong with it." To which I respond "Yeah, except you love someone else."
The smaller rub is that he has told her that he loves her, and he says she is very much against ever having anything more than a friend-based relationship with him. For the last three years, she has resisted him. She has told him, over and over, that she doesn't love him. But he can't stop loving her. What a mess!
So, most of Saturday I was pretty sad, glum and so what, but all that was balanced with this "well, what can I do about it" feeling. He loves someone else. I can't continue pushing myself to him - that sucks for both of us. Especially me.
I can't quite decide how I will proceed with him. Now that it is Monday, I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I would be. But I still am feeling ick about the whole situation.
I both really want to talk with him, and not talk or see him for a long time. I want to know what he is going to do with the love he feels for this girl. Now that he ended things with us, I want him to pursue this. Like, now that she knows him and I have ended things, is that a sign to her of his committment to him, and the trot merrily off into the distance while holding hands? What happens if it makes no difference and W falls out of love with her and comes back? What if he falls out of love with her and he never comes back to me?
The whole thing is just utterly depressing, but I feel like I can't be upset about it, which makes it depressing and maddening.
Last Friday night, I was out with W - went to a dinner and then over to a small party for a friend of his. All very nice, lovely, flirty, wonderful, etc. We get back to the car, and head over to his place. As we go over, we start talking...we end up just sitting in my car for the next hour going over all kinds of things.
It started with me sharing with him all my uncertanties about our relationship (perhaps the perfect recipi for disaster). That, after almost seven months of being together we needed to decide which direction we were going in...together or not together.
Turns out, W has been in love with another girl for the last three years. Yup. When he told me, I was both shattered and relieved.
Shattered because - well, fuck, he's in love with someone else! The fact that I've started falling in love with him is pale in comparison with the fact that he loves another girl! It obviously is an immediate answer to the wondering about where we are headed, an instant break-up, and just utter sadness.
Relieved because it explains all his actions, my questions are immediately answered, I don't have to worry about them anymore, and I'm free.
The biggest rub is that we both agree we are perfect for each other. Professionally, sexually, friend-wise...we just *GET* each other. He says "You are the most healthy and wonderful relationship I've ever been in. It's perfect. There is nothing wrong with it." To which I respond "Yeah, except you love someone else."
The smaller rub is that he has told her that he loves her, and he says she is very much against ever having anything more than a friend-based relationship with him. For the last three years, she has resisted him. She has told him, over and over, that she doesn't love him. But he can't stop loving her. What a mess!
So, most of Saturday I was pretty sad, glum and so what, but all that was balanced with this "well, what can I do about it" feeling. He loves someone else. I can't continue pushing myself to him - that sucks for both of us. Especially me.
I can't quite decide how I will proceed with him. Now that it is Monday, I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I would be. But I still am feeling ick about the whole situation.
I both really want to talk with him, and not talk or see him for a long time. I want to know what he is going to do with the love he feels for this girl. Now that he ended things with us, I want him to pursue this. Like, now that she knows him and I have ended things, is that a sign to her of his committment to him, and the trot merrily off into the distance while holding hands? What happens if it makes no difference and W falls out of love with her and comes back? What if he falls out of love with her and he never comes back to me?
The whole thing is just utterly depressing, but I feel like I can't be upset about it, which makes it depressing and maddening.
Labels: love
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